Commercials are Bunk #1

If you watch TV, which in this day and age is an entirely reasonable assumption, you have probably seen those ads that go "He went to Jared!" in a breathless tone.

These ads, my friends, are bunk.

I take particular issue with the one, which unfortunately has not been put on Youtube, where three giggling hags are sitting around, gathered around a cell phone for text messages from their friend, who is out for dinner with her man-candy. Through the magic of the televisor, I join them.

The first text message arrives, complete with annoying dinging sound. "Roses," it reads. Our little Greek chorus coos "he got her roses." Yes, ladies, he had the presence of mind to stop by Schnucks on his way to pick her up. Quite the gentleman, that. He managed to get her roses, grown by some farmer in Colombia who is more likely get shot by the FARC or his own government than to take his wife out for a meal anywhere. Way to go, dude.

While we're absorbing that, my three future bridesmaids and I, another ding hits us. He's taken her to Chez Francois. Now, if my middle school French is correct, that means either "Frank's House," or "the French House." Oh, this man sounds like a winner. Maybe on their next date, they could go to that new place, Casa Mexicana! Truly a man of taste and refinement.

A new ding stops our tittering. We huddle in the dim glow of Lydia's cell phone, when the most magical words appear on the screen - "He went to Jared!" Oh! An attack of the vapors! He went to a chain jewelry store, and bought a diamond which was possibly soaked in the blood and tears of small children. Truly, he is the epitome of all that we desire in a man!

We put our heads together for a response worthy of the situation. Being that it's the week before St. Valentine's day, and being that, since we are all single women in a jewelry commercial, there is only one right answer.

"Does he have brothers? We've given up, you see, being jealous of your success bagging a man of so many manifest qualities. And, as everyone knows, life without a man is just terribly meaningless, so please, since this fella has both class and taste, and those are clearly genetic, set us up any potential blood-kin of his!"

Ack, pbbt.